So I wish I could take credit for this post but I can’t. It’s a post that a close friend of mine Mr. Pat Ryan wrote recently concerning calling out guys to be strong men of God in their relationships. After reading it I couldn’t help but post it on here for all of you guys to enjoy… So read on… and comment!
So, I’ve been a little….well, I would say concerned, but frustrated fits a little better….with the deterioration of the male approach to relationships. So, whether you like it or not, I’m going to get on my soapbox for a little bit here and discuss a few things. I’m going to share my personal thoughts and perspectives, and as much as possible answer the question of “Why?” for these things.
Let’s get started, guys…
1. Figure it out! – Guys, I hope all of you reading this note are listening carefully. I think every guy should know what he wants before he tries to go after it….in general…or her…more specifically. If you just met a girl, how can you possibly know that you want anything more than just being friends with her? Last I checked females don’t have their resumes stapled to their skirts. They are worthy of more than just a superficial size up of their physical appearance. So, let’s make sure that we treat them with the respect the pinnacle of God’s creation…yeah, I said it; He did make them last and their beauty wasn’t an accident (Genesis 1:27)….are worthy of receiving. I can’t tell you how many ladies I’ve heard complain that a guy came on really strong to them, and it turned them off because they knew that he couldn’t know them any better than what is visible. Now, guys, I’m not saying don’t ask a girl out ever, but at least make your focus in asking a lady out to be creating an opportunity for y’all to get to know each other. Let’s put it this way, when she hears your request this should probably be how she perceives your request: “He thinks that I might be someone that he at least would like to have as a friend, but maybe more is TBA.” I’ve heard from quite a few ladies who say that they totally respect any guy who is willing to put himself out there enough to ask them out respectfully, but they want to know that our reasons are more than just that we find them attractive. I don’t blame them either. They’re right. So, my advice, guys, is to seek out ways to create friendly interactions with the amazing ladies that God has placed around you for at least a little while before expressing any interest in anything more than friendship. You figure out how long that needs to go on for, but make sure you treat them as a friend in that time frame. If you hang out by yourselves and you figure out that you aren’t interested in anything more than friendship, TELL THEM THAT! Be up front about it, if you are going to be continuing to spend time with them one on one. I’ve made my share of mistakes in this area, but my goal is ALWAYS to state my intentions if I think there is a chance that they may be misconstrued at all. If she has to bring up the subject, guys, WE’VE DROPPED THE BALL! My good friend, Rums…not to put ya on the spot or anything, is a good example. His goal is to have known any lady that he is going to pursue for at least a few months before hand. My own personal time frame is a year of friendship, but I understand that this crazy out there for most of y’all. No matter how long it is for you: Figure it out! I like the one year thing because I get plenty long enough to get to know her, whoever she may be…and she gets to know me, without the pressure of impressing each other. Most of y’all are probably thinking: no wonder he’s always single. I’ll tell ya what I told my brother, “I’m not try to find a hundred, I’m just trying to find one.” Figure out what works for you, and do it! Let’s stand up and be counted as leaders. We need to know what we want before ask them, if they want in.
2. More-or-less is not a state of relational being – Let’s be real. Either you are friends or you are dating/courting/romantically involved/engaged/married....whatever you call it, it’s all a step above friends. One of those things that I am big on is “Calling a Spade, a Spade”….translation (I’m going to use another adage to help paint the picture for that one): If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, and has feathers like a duck…it’s probably a duck. Let’s make sure that we get real about what we’re doing here. If you want something more than friendship with a lady, commit to it then….bring it up and have a conversation with her about. If you aren’t willing to commit, then you don’t have any right to lead her heart on thinking that you want anything more than friendship. Your actions should line up with what you say. I’m really close with my little…I mean, younger…sister. If any of y’all know her, then you understand that statement since she’s plenty close enough to 6ft tall to make most guys feel short. We have a ton of fun together we talk a lot and crack jokes. I can’t even begin to describe how many inside jokes we share, and we love doing things together that just involve the two of us. I say all this to say that I tend to treat most of my female friends just like I treat my sister. So, my intentions have been misconstrued enough times to know that I need to make them clear often times to those ladies whom I am closest with as friends. So, I try to make it clear that if I was considering pursuing a lady it would be blatantly stated as such. Guys, be mature and intentional about stating your intentions, especially if you are looking for more than just friendship. We, as guys, need to be holding each other accountable to making sure that our approach respects and honors the ladies that we pursue or would like to pursue. Erase any gray area out of your mind on this subject. There are only two states of relational being: Friends or Romantically Involved. What’s it going to be? (2 Corinthians 1:15-18)3. Establish a game plan – ATTENTION!! This is one of the most crucial points you will encounter in this note. Sit down and figure out a game plan for: Physical Boundaries, Emotional Boundaries, and Spiritual Boundaries. The first one is one that I wish could say goes without saying, but it unfortunately does not. Be specific and intentional here to guard your hearts because physical intimacy broods emotional attachment. The number one reason why people can’t be friends after a break up is because of the level of physical intimacy they involve themselves in while they were in the relationship. Spiritual intimacy can very easily lead to emotional attachment as well. Emotional intimacy can lead to a strong desire for both physical and spiritual intimacy. All three of the boundary areas I mentioned above are intertwined. They bleed over into each other. And because I know this, I have my sets of boundaries for all of these. It took a lot of prayer and VERY many mistakes, but the point is that I have it figured out pretty well now. “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed (Proverbs 15:22, NASB).” Don’t be a afraid to use your resources. There are plenty of married men around who have godly advice to offer. Get as much as you can and sift through it all. Pay attention to those who have relationships that you admire with their wives and glean what you can from them. When you have compiled a bunch of advice and wisdom, take it to God so that He can help you sift through it. “Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will be established” (Proverbs 16:3, NASB). Hear me on this too please: If you come up with the most elaborate and amazing game plan, but don’t bring it to God and put it into practice, it will not help you any. There should be at least a couple guys in your life that you have given full right to ask you the hard questions, and that you can be truthful with in return. The counselors mentioned in the first verse aren’t just there to help create a game plan but to help you live it out too. Guys, it’s our role to play to take ownership of this area and presenting it for discussion and checking periodically to see if the game plan is sufficient as the relationship progresses. Personally, I don’t want to kiss…again, lesson learned…until my wedding day. I want my next kiss to be with my wife. There are plenty enough things out there that are counterproductive to a marriage, and I want to be reminded of the work and wait that went into leading up to the marriage. So that, I would be reminded with every kiss that she is the one that I waited this long for, and I want her to know that too. If I were to get married today, I would want her to know that I spent the last 10 years without so much as a kiss in anticipation of this day. I honestly believe that a large chunk of the problems with marital brevity today are a result of marriage not meaning anything but being “the next step” or “what you’re supposed to do after so long” while nothing of a physical nature is saved for it. That is just my personal perspective and observation. No matter what you decide to be your boundaries, just make sure they are defined, shared, and committed.
4. Stand up and Be counted – Guys, the bottom line is this: Satan wants to see us be passive. He wants us to be frustrated to the point of giving up. He wants us to think that we aren’t capable nor ready. I’m here to tell you that is a bunch of irrelevant BS. The reality is this: Satan wouldn’t waste and energy trying to convince us of those things, if the converse wasn’t true. Here is what I have learned from watching God do it: He fills gaps. That’s God’s specialty….gap filling.
HE LOVES DOING IT! Put Him to the test. Stand up and be counted regardless of whether or not you feel like you have anything to offer, and see if He doesn’t pour out through you more than you had to give.
“If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). Did you catch that? We need to stop living like God is dependent on us, and more like we are the ones dependent on Him….and He can’t deny Himself. He can’t be anything but true to Himself. Why do we read passages like this:
“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways ” (James 1:5-8, NASB); and then walk around like God is not going to provide what we need in time for the opportunity that is coming up. Then, we wonder why we can’t seem to get anything right….sounds like instability, huh? Ask Him and step out giving Him an opportunity to show up and show out. Stand up and be counted because God enjoys getting opportunities to work in and through us.
I could go on for a few more days probably, but this is already WAY longer than I planned. Let me make one final request, if any of you managed to make it through this, which I’m trusting Him to provide, please:
Guys, pray about these things. Take ownership of your game plan, and honor and respect His princesses that He has let us have in our presence. Share this with other guys you think would benefit from it.
Ladies, please pray for us guys. You have no idea how much it helps us to stand up and be counted. Please, ladies, write a comment on here about anything that you agree with or anything that you disagree with….either way it helps us guys to hear from you.
Thanks for coming…
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